Joke thread...

Too crude and it'll get filed under B

Re: Joke thread...

Post by vic » Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:33 pm

A Manchester Flasher was considering calling it a day however he says he will stick it out for one more year.

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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Derrick » Thu Oct 17, 2013 12:37 pm

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by vic » Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:04 pm

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

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Re: Joke thread...

Post by ellrider » Tue Oct 22, 2013 1:23 pm

Vic, you are such a cunny funt. :D
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by vic » Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:00 pm


Just post my safe ones on here
If I posted the jokes you text me I would get booted off the site :lol: :lol:

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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Rincewind » Wed Oct 30, 2013 7:39 pm

Colin the fly is sat on a turd, eating his breakfast.
Brian the fly lands next to him.

"Alright Brian, not seen you for a while, where have you been?"

"I've been on the sick Col"
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by 12 royal » Sun Nov 24, 2013 8:31 pm

Elvis, my pet mouse died today,.......... he was caught in a trap :o
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Terry » Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:39 pm

Paddy sez to Mick ......."My mate came off his 'bike today"
Mick sez ..."Really,is he OK?"
Paddy sez ..."No,he has two broken arms,a broken leg and he's blinded in one eye"
Mick sez ....."Fookin 'ell wonder he fell off his fookin' bike"

ride safe.
T. ;)
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Bonnielad » Tue Jul 01, 2014 8:19 pm

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken
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