Joke thread...

NO POLITICS
NO BAD JOKES
Too crude and it'll get filed under B
;-)
Terry

Re: Joke thread...

Post by Terry » Wed Jul 02, 2014 11:03 pm

And on the subject of golf .....

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it, doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer..... "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".

ride safe
T. ;)
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Bonnielad
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Bonnielad » Fri Jul 04, 2014 7:34 pm

Alternative punchline:
Every time I go for a pee it won't let go!
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Bonnielad
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Bonnielad » Sun Sep 14, 2014 6:59 pm

Her Diary:
Dear Diary, I'm really upset. I'm sure he's got another woman. He seems so distant. I took him out for a curry - still he didn't change so I took him home and gave him the best sex ever - all he did was roll over and go to sleep. I'm so upset.

His diary;
Gutted! United lost - Got a shag though!
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Bonnielad
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Bonnielad » Tue Apr 21, 2015 8:16 pm

My wife's got no sense of humour whatsoever. All I did was wait 'til she went to sleep, then swap her tampon for a Party Popper!
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Silver Fox

Re: Joke thread...

Post by Silver Fox » Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:18 pm

A bloke goes to the doctors and tells him "I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home".

"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome", says the doctor.

"Never heard of it. Is that common?" says the chap.

"It's not unusual", replies the doctor. :D
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mt bandit
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by mt bandit » Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:58 pm

father wakes to realise it's his daughters 12th birthday
shit i forgot,
he rushes down toys r us,
all he knows is she loves barbie ,
so he approaches the sales assistant ,
he says i got disco barbie with two outfits £150
or i got barbie on holiday with fake beach and palm trees £160
or i got divorced barbie £300
the bloke says , f**** me how come
well says the assistant divorced barbie comes with ken's car , house,
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by lardmarc » Mon Jan 11, 2016 9:43 pm

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me!
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“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” (Adams, 2009).

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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Bonnielad » Mon Jan 18, 2016 7:28 pm

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!
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Wirralman
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Wirralman » Mon Mar 07, 2016 11:15 pm

Subject: Rule Britannia!

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.


After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the

retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He’s my right-hand man and his talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed

and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.


“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself ” the colonel said.


”Well, sir, I graduated with the sword of honour from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions

behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the

Olympics. I have researched the history of…..” .... at that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that

in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off.”
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Re: Joke thread...

Post by Pewter » Tue Mar 08, 2016 12:07 am

I went into the library today to get that book on coping with a small penis. The librarian said its not in yet. I said yes that's the one.

I've been offered a full time job with a charity, The Brittle Bone Society. They've offered me £750 a week. I snapped the guys hand off.
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